The #@$%^ Rice Cooker

Oh, Krups rice cooker.  I remember the day I brought you home.  You were gorgeous.  You held the promise of freshly cooked rice, quinoa, oatmeal, and steamed veggies. You were compact and well made.   You were supposed to make my life easier.  Little did I know I was unwrapping a monster the day I took you out of the box.

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Cleaning you is a royal pain in the ass.  There are places in your construction where I JUST KNOW stuff is hiding because I can’t fit anything in the crack to clean it.  You are starting to smell a bit because I’m sure there is some decomposing detritus somewhere in your complex self.  Or maybe it’s just me imagining that because I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

The fact that I can’t put ANY part of you, not even the part that cooks the rice, in the dishwasher is really pointless.  I mean, seriously??  I don’t see how putting a metal pot in the top rack of the dishwasher is going to ruin it, but that’s what the user manual says, so I stick to it.  Although I’m getting really close to just putting ALL OF YOU in the damn dishwasher and just running it.   And relishing your slow, painful death.

Your tendency to overflow is just awesome.  I don’t know how many times I’ve come into the kitchen after a short interlude elsewhere in the house and there is liquid coming out of the vent on the top and the condensation catcher on the side is overflowing with liquid. ISN’T THAT WHAT THE VENT IS #*$(@ FOR????

And today has pushed me over the edge.  As I opened the top to stir the oatmeal, you shot almond milk ALL OVER THE DAMN KITCHEN.  I mean EVERYWHERE.  I’ve seen projectile vomit from toddlers be more circumspect than this.  I spent more time cleaning up after you than if I had had a two year old cook the blasted oatmeal for me.  I’m honestly not sure how the hell I’m going to clean the almond milk from in between the stove and the wall, but that’s another conversation.

I am giving you an ultimatum.  ONE MORE SCREW UP,  just ONE MORE, and I will not be responsible for the rice cooker carnage that will be found in my yard.

I just hope my neighbors don’t call the police.

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